I WONDER

“Children are knives, my mother once said. They don’t mean to, but they cut. And yet we cling to them, don’t we, we clasp them until the blood flows.”
― Joanne Harris, The Girl with No Shadow

Mood  : sentimental * i just read some angst*

Music : All My Love is For You by Girls' Generation *I know I keep hearing this song. but it's my all time favorite!* 

Caution : bad inglizzh bad grammarrr bad wraiting bad bad bad bad -,- 




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An hour. 
So far, tts the longest. 
And still her tears don't stop. 
Or probably it stopped already, what left its just small sobs. 
And a deep scar. 

I wonder if she would stop loving me now. 

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I was on my 3rd grade at elementary school and as far as I could remember right now, its my first time having a first fight with her. 
A fight. 
It might be not a fight. Just me being stupid and coward. 

School wanted us, the students, to buy a calendar. Calendar with our school pictures on it. *Such a waste* 
It cost around 12.000 rupiah, and she gave me 20.000 rupiah. 
Afterschool, instead of keeping the 8.000 rupiah in return to her, I spent it to buy some foods for me and my friends. I want to buy them food because.. I just want to.
Having 8.000 rupiah on your pocket that time its just like having a gold mine, well scratch that, its like having shining diamonds on your pocket.
And I told her the money is gone. 
But of course she know I lied. Me, losing 8.000 rupiah ? unlikely.
"why you lied ?" she asked me. 
and I stayed still.  
"If you're not lying, it won't be like this."
I stayed still 
Yes, if I just tell her the truth, there won't be any waste of 3 hours of heated times, of my tears and her anger. 
 I know i lied, and I have to say sorry. 
But i just stayed still. 
That night, when i went to bed, i wonder if she will stop loving me.  

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I was 16, and that was my longest gloomy time ever.  

Long time after, when I was older, I know that it was a depression *well the internet says so

and sometimes I wondered what makes me fall to the depression *
All day was dark and tiring and frustrating and pointless. 
My friends avoided me. Maybe they don't think so, but they actually did. Or maybe they didn't, but i'm the one who pushed them away. 
But she, even though she was ill herself, came to me. No matter how many times I pushed her away.
I pushed her so many times, and even one day, I really pushed her, literally, out of the room. 
But she still came to me.
That day I wonder if she will stop coming. If she will stop loving me. 

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"Do you want to use this phone ?" She showed me her phone, old one, but good enough, and she bought that with her own money, her own saving. "Or this one ?" She showed me the touch-screen phone. Newer than her phone of course, and technically, it is also her phone, because she is the one who get it. 

"this one." I pointed at the new phone, shyly. 

"okay" 

And she gave me the new phone. With no grudge, no hesitance.  

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"How much money do you have ?" She asked, out of the blue.

"Eh ? zero ?" I answered. Confused. 

"Well then, I have some money in my savings, and you said you wanted a tablet." 

Yes, but it was like a week ago and it is a tertiary needs. Not really necessary. I still could read e-books in my phone and writing in my laptop. So i don't demand it. 

"Let's say you had 200 thousand, we could get you a tablet tomorrow." 

I didn't say anything. 

I wonder if I would do that when I become a mother later. 

And I wonder if she will stop giving me anything that I wants, stop loving me at one point. 

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"Go to your room. i don't want to see you." 

She said that for.. I dont know how much time now. And not being a good kid, I went to my room. Managed to slam my bedroom door and stayed there. Not crying. Just stay still. 

I know I have to say sorry. And I know just like many times before, I wouldn't say sorry. 

 I wonder if she will get tired someday. I wonder if she couldn't take it anymore one day, me, being such a spoiled grouchy brat. 

I wonder if she will stop loving me.

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I was 18. Early 18. 

I failed. Failed to attend the college. 

I failed the university entrance tests. 

For the second time now. 

I stopped having faith in college. I quit trying now, I  will try next year.  

I avoided her that day. Taking my time in School, and went to teacher's home after, eating outside, and then went to my friend's house, to return late. 

So I don't have to see her. So I don't have to see her disappointed. 

On my way home, I wonder if she will stop loving me now. Since I failed the test. First time in family history, put her in disgrace. 

But she welcomed me home, and told me to eat. 

I try to avoided her. 

Two days after I know one thing : 

She loves me

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I woke up besides her. She was sleeping soundly. As if no weight put on her shoulders. 

I traced her face with my eyes. Her lips, her cheek, her nose, her brows, her chin, and her eyes. 

All with traces of pain that I gave her in all my 18 years of living. 

I looked up at the ceiling, and wonder, if God had given me option to born or not, which one i would choose? 

then I would choose not to be born. If born means like this. Means I put her on burden that she would always take. 

I wonder what would she said if she knows I think like that. 

Probably she would freaked out. Tell me that no matter how much I become a burden for her, but I also become a gift for her. 

I flinched. Somehow, that words sounds familiar. As if she have said that before. 

I went back to sleep, before I closed my eyes, I prayed to God to keep her a place in heaven for later and a heaven for her in Earth now. 

I drift off. And before darkness weighed me to sleep, I remember that once, long time before, she told me that the day she knows she will have me and the day I was born, she was really happy. Happy that couldn't be told by words. But by expressions. 

I thanked God I was born. and I thanked God that she is the one who delivered me to the world.

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I wonder if she will stop loving me now.

The next day, I found her curling up behind me on the bed. She asked me how's my day. 

"fine." I answered 

She told me about random funny things that she usually said when we're good. How a young baby boy next door talking and running, how my brothers showed up with their wittiness. As if we're fine. 

As if I didn't made her cry yesterday.

She compared my behavior when i was young and the baby next door's antics.

That no matter how many clever babies she met, I would always be her best baby *well, alongside your brothers, of course*

I stayed still. 

she told me she was sorry for being angry yesterday

"okay" I said 

I don't know how I could managed only to say that in a cold-heartless-girl way, when after she left, I cried like I  never cried before. Sobbing I love you and I'm so really very sorry in silence. 

She will never stop loving me.

“The only love that I really believe in is a mother’s love for her children.”
― Karl Lagerfeld

*me sucks. i know. T_T i dont know how it ended up somehow like fanfiction, really.*